ugh that was the most annoying article and generated a firestorm of comments after it appeared. maybe she had some sort of semi-reasonable point in there somewhere that was more applicable to her but whatevs.

Oh yeah, it gets better.

The problem is that "realistic expectations" and "settling for good-enough" can look completely alike... to someone with no self-awareness.

Personally, I think I'm much more aware of my own needs and limitations now than 15 years ago. I've figured out that a feeling of mutual respect and parity is non-negotiable, while I'm actually far more flexible on laundry and picking up car parts than I thought I might be.

There's a huge difference between someone realizing that they've fallen in love with someone older or heavier or geekier than they thought they might be attracted to, and someone going "maybe I shouldn't have refused to go out with the guy who was half an inch too short with thinning hair, because he's making six figures now and his wife doesn't have to work- that would have been nice."

It dehumanizes the potential partner, as if *their* right to a passionate partnership was somehow immaterial next to the settling one's desire for a second pair of hands for diaper-duty.

If I didn't have a bum ankle, I'd love to kick her.

right. what she's missing is that the people who walk around with an immutable list of checkbox requirements (salary, height, hair color, age, hobbies, car, skin color, religion, parents marital status) don't need to "relax their standards", but they do need to realize that they're acting as if other people weren't actually *people* but were just a menu they could order off of.

Realistic pragmatism is saying, for example: "religion is important to me. It may be difficult to be with someone who has strong, conflicting views on religion, and that could be a significant source of stress in the future. I should be aware of that." Unrealistic is saying "I could never love a presbyterian." REALLY unrealistic is saying "Well, I really wanted to marry a jewish guy, but you do have a jewish last name, and your parents seem to have money, and since I'm jewish, my kids would be jewish anyway, so I guess you're just jewish enough. I guess you'll do. .... What do you mean, you're not interested in dating me? I relaxed my standards for you!!!"

And I really wish I could say I made that last example up... but I didn't.

I never felt like I 'settled' when I got married, and I've had a long and somewhat stormy marriage.

I think more important than discussing settling, is to consider that unless you get a RealDoll, you're setting for a human being as opposed to a platonic idea of a person. With all that that entails.

I wouldn't advise anyone to stay with someone who is abusive, an addict, or a sociopath, but aside from the pathological outliers, everyone deserves love.

On the other hand, there's no shame in staying single if no one works out. Get a hobby.